It's been a while...

I remember there was a time where daily I would turn to this blog
and like an open diary I would pour out my aching heart.
As time went on
I found that I needed this open diary less and less
The months dragged on and the wounds healed
I picked myself up
brushed myself off
collected the broken pieces that were left of my existence
and went about my merry way.

But then of course
there are moments in our lives
that drag us back down
beat us into submission
and leave use a shattered shell of what we once were
Those old comforts that helps ease the grief
are still there
with open arms
waiting for you to come back
and try so desperately to cope.

What I guess I am trying to say is...
Hello again and welcome back to my open diary.

A year of lessons learned

This time last year
I was sitting in front of the computer
printing off the paper work
for my divorce.

Eyes weary
hand over my mouth
trying not to cry.

Feeling like a failure
as a:

mother
friend
daughter
and
especially a wife.

It felt like in that moment
I was going to die
sink into the earth
and be eaten alive
with nothing left.

Those times were hard
I couldn't bare to bring myself
to look at other families
or make connections with people.

And though so many
reached out to me
which I am so eternally grateful for
I was literally a husk.

The months after that
were a roller coaster
of happiness, joy and laughter
to sorrow, tears and anger.

I used this blog as a crutch
an open diary for the world to read
to help me vent those woes
and as the year pressed on
I depended on my blog less and less.

Next thing I found myself
throwing a party for my 1 year old little man.
Getting engaged
Getting married
and starting school back up in full force.

I'm sitting here
a little dumbfounded.
This year has gone by so fast
and there have been so many lessons learned.

And here a few
some important
some not so important:

- It IS possible to survive a divorce, though it hurts you will not die.
- Do background checks on your roommates, 2 out of the 3 roommates I had were NUTS.
- Date thoroughly and get to know the person you are dating very well.
- Don't be afraid to ask for help, whether it be a friend, family or bishop.
- You can't pray ENOUGH
- Our Heavenly Father is watching out for us, very closely, and knows our sorrows and struggles.
- Pay your tithing, the Lord will provide a way.
- As gorgeous as dark hardwood is, don't install them. Up keep is awful!
- Walking babies are much harder to handle.
- Don't let the nasty things people say get to you, they are entitled to their opinion and you are too.
- Shoveling other peoples drive ways with out them knowing is very fulfilling.
- Say Thank you and I love you as much as you can and every chance you get.
- Don't be scared to admit you are wrong, we all make mistakes.
- Being a grown up is hard work.
- Enjoy the world around you more, if you have the time, do it, if you don't make the time.
- Count your blessings, when things are hard and you struggle it is better to look at what you HAVE instead of what you DON'T.
- Crying is O.K.
- Be comfortable with who you are and be comfortable in your own skin.
- Expand your horizons.
- Be creative.
- Try new things.
- Even though school is hard and frustrating, don't give up, it is worth it!
- Working out should be part of your routine, it works wonders for emotional well being as well physical.
- Give people a chance, you won't know until you try.
- Forgive, forgive, forgive.
- Listen.
- If you want something out of life, work for it!
- When you feel like you want to scream, laugh instead.
- Set goals and reach for the stars.
- Make friends and cherish them.
- Go out of your way to do nice things for people.
- Photography is important, photograph everything, children, places, life. Those things will soon vanish and you wont remember.
- Feeling emotion, even painful emotion, is human and who we are.
- Sing in the shower.
- Do nice things for yourself, you deserve it!
- Don't procrastinate.
- Cherish your children, they grow so fast.
- View the world around you as an amazing thing.
- HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN.

I could go on and on
but I feel that is a good note to end on.
I have learned so much from this past year.
Good and bad.
I am grateful for it
and am grateful that I accepted this challenge.
The Lord is truly aware of us
and knows what we can and can't handle.

Even though it has been a year
I am still forgiving
and trying to understand myself better.

Whatever your life is like
love it for what it is.
Enjoy it for what it is.

A.A.

Adoption

I have always fancied myself
a big dog person.

I love the feeling of the weight of their head
placed ever so lovingly in your lap.

The way their thick ears
are soft like crimson velvet.

And as you pet and run
your fingers over them
you are in a whole new world,
a world of ecstasy.

The way they insist on being lap dogs
and jump up on your lap
laying their body over your knees.

I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

My husband and I had discussed getting a dog
and we both agreed that adoption was the way to go.

So on Saturday we set aside time to go look at dogs.
When we arrived he caught our eye
and after debating between he and another dog
we adopted

Lincoln
"Link" for short

Ever since then
I have been astonished and impressed.

With this amazing dog
that is a gentle giant.

Who lets Ronan climb on him
with out a care.

Who sleeps, lounging,
on his favorite yellow couch.

Who is patient
Calm and caring.
Nuzzling you when you cry
with deep concern in his brown glossy eyes.

Although
at times

He can be stubborn
but we are lovingly working on that with him.

I am so happy
to finally have a big dog back in our family.

To complete our family.

Welcome home Link.

A.A.

Pears

As summer fades
and the heat of August sticks to our skin.

We sit outside

munching on pears and watching daddy work.
Enjoying the suns warmth that is quickly wasting away.

Enjoying our new life

our new companion.

And side by side we sit,
munching on those
not quiet ripe
sour pears.

Gazing at the kids
riding their bikes

As the hum and commotion
of our neighborhood hive
bustles with activity.

We happily admit that
our dreams came true. 

Life is simple
but oh so sweet.

a.a.

Becoming a Bass.

Tomorrow
Tomorrow
Tomorrow

I could not say that word enough.
At this very moment
it seems so unreal.

But it is,
it is real.

Tomorrow I get married

I get to marry:

my best friend
the love of my life
my confident
the better half of me

A person who never judged me
who looked at me for me
and accepted me even though I had flaws,
even though I made mistakes.

Who taught me to be patient
understanding
and dedicated.

Who taught me to love again
to trust again.

When I thought I could never
do those two things
ever again.

Who continues to teach me everyday,
I couldn't imagine marrying anyone else.

Who loves my son
and my son loves him.

I am so grateful our paths crossed

That the Lord sent him to me.

Not only that
but I get to gain an amazing family.
Who also brings so much:

Joy
Laughter
and
Love

into my life
they are all so amazing.

Tomorrow will be one of the best moments in my life.
Tomorrow I become a Bass.

A.A.

From divorcée to fiancée.

When you sit beside your husband
staring straight forward.
Eyes locked on anything but him
your lips quiver and that terrible word slips out.

In the phrase that so many
dread to hear.

"I want a divorce."

At that very moment
you cannot even fathom
what the future will be like.
If it will be fantastic
or terrible.

All you know is that
there is a burning ache
deep in the pit of our soul.

There was a time
where I thought I would
shrivel up and die.
Because of the sorrow
that ate away my hope.

There were days I thought
I could make it.
And days that I didn't
see a point to go on.

Then I met him.

And it was as if 
the blind fold
that covered my eyes
from what truly was happiness.
Was snipped away,
and I was left standing
blinking in the bright light
of a new view of what everything was.

It was then
I realized that happiness
was not part of my vocabulary
for the 2 years that I was married.

I was wandering through
my life, with smoke stinging my eyes.
That smoke was doubt.

Now,
I couldn't be more sure
than I ever have been
in my entire life.

There IS a light at the end
of the tunnel.
Though it seems dim when you
start your journey.
As you continue to walk
the light will grow into a beacon.

That will lead you to what
was in store for you all along.
When it seems bleak

please hold on.

Life is a wild roller coaster
that will both terrify you
and exhilarate you.

Going from, 

divorcée to fiancée.

Were both the best decisions
I ever made.

A.A.

One wonderful year.

I cannot believe that it has been a whole year
since I welcomed Ronan into the world.

Right now,
there are so many emotions
running through my heart and head.

Even though this year has been
the hardest year
of my life.

With Ronan by my side
it was completely doable.
The Lord really knew
what I needed
and it was Ronan.

I do not regret my decision to marry
my ex husband
because if I didn't...
I wouldn't have Ronan
and he was worth it.

Each and every day
instead of me teaching Ronan
he is teaching me.

Patience
Love
Compassion
Strength
Joy

The lessons I have learned from him
have shaped me more into the person
that I needed to be for him

Even now,
as I type this he stands next to me
a battery in his hand
laughing and trying to grab my keyboard.

I love him
and I love so much about him:

-I love how happy he is I have been so blessed to have such a good baby
-I love how talkative he is, he always has something to say
-I love how he insists on eating what I am eating
-I love the way he dances in his crib when I go to get him in the morning
-I love how he is such a good sleeper! Since he was little he has slept through the night.
-I love how adventurous he is
-I love that little toothy grin
-I love watching him learn and grow into a little man
-I love how tough he is, but at the same time when he gets a boo boo I love how he wants mommy
-I love how he goes to the sitter with out a fuss
-I love how he laughs hysterically when he is around a doggie
-I love how he splashes huge tidal waves in the tub
-I love the way he waves his hands around when he is eating something tasty

I have loved watching him grow up

All in all
I love Ronan.
Happy Birthday sweet heart.