From divorcée to fiancée.

When you sit beside your husband
staring straight forward.
Eyes locked on anything but him
your lips quiver and that terrible word slips out.

In the phrase that so many
dread to hear.

"I want a divorce."

At that very moment
you cannot even fathom
what the future will be like.
If it will be fantastic
or terrible.

All you know is that
there is a burning ache
deep in the pit of our soul.

There was a time
where I thought I would
shrivel up and die.
Because of the sorrow
that ate away my hope.

There were days I thought
I could make it.
And days that I didn't
see a point to go on.

Then I met him.

And it was as if 
the blind fold
that covered my eyes
from what truly was happiness.
Was snipped away,
and I was left standing
blinking in the bright light
of a new view of what everything was.

It was then
I realized that happiness
was not part of my vocabulary
for the 2 years that I was married.

I was wandering through
my life, with smoke stinging my eyes.
That smoke was doubt.

Now,
I couldn't be more sure
than I ever have been
in my entire life.

There IS a light at the end
of the tunnel.
Though it seems dim when you
start your journey.
As you continue to walk
the light will grow into a beacon.

That will lead you to what
was in store for you all along.
When it seems bleak

please hold on.

Life is a wild roller coaster
that will both terrify you
and exhilarate you.

Going from, 

divorcée to fiancée.

Were both the best decisions
I ever made.

A.A.

One wonderful year.

I cannot believe that it has been a whole year
since I welcomed Ronan into the world.

Right now,
there are so many emotions
running through my heart and head.

Even though this year has been
the hardest year
of my life.

With Ronan by my side
it was completely doable.
The Lord really knew
what I needed
and it was Ronan.

I do not regret my decision to marry
my ex husband
because if I didn't...
I wouldn't have Ronan
and he was worth it.

Each and every day
instead of me teaching Ronan
he is teaching me.

Patience
Love
Compassion
Strength
Joy

The lessons I have learned from him
have shaped me more into the person
that I needed to be for him

Even now,
as I type this he stands next to me
a battery in his hand
laughing and trying to grab my keyboard.

I love him
and I love so much about him:

-I love how happy he is I have been so blessed to have such a good baby
-I love how talkative he is, he always has something to say
-I love how he insists on eating what I am eating
-I love the way he dances in his crib when I go to get him in the morning
-I love how he is such a good sleeper! Since he was little he has slept through the night.
-I love how adventurous he is
-I love that little toothy grin
-I love watching him learn and grow into a little man
-I love how tough he is, but at the same time when he gets a boo boo I love how he wants mommy
-I love how he goes to the sitter with out a fuss
-I love how he laughs hysterically when he is around a doggie
-I love how he splashes huge tidal waves in the tub
-I love the way he waves his hands around when he is eating something tasty

I have loved watching him grow up

All in all
I love Ronan.
Happy Birthday sweet heart.

Here I am.

It terrified me.
Thought of looking back through
all the mournful words that I posted since
that fateful month...

August

But I did it.
I read over each one
cradling the words that I read
in my arms
like a child

Words that were bursting
with emotion and hurt.
And as I read
I cried because I was so grateful
that I made it through that.

As I sat legs crossed
at my kitchen table
the sun peaking through the shades
on my back door.

I felt fully capable
and in control of the situation.
I had handled things the best I could
and I had made it this far on my own.

Feeling strong and in control
is a feeling I have grasped for desperately.
I do understand that I can't control all things
but I can control myself.

That is what really matters.

Happy Monday everyone.

A.A.

This time of year...

I dread
Every year for who knows how long...
Last night as I sat close to my parents counter
hunched over my moms laptop.
I blurted out
"I hate Valentines Day."
My mom simply responded "I know"
Looking up I raised my eyebrow
She saw my expression and said
"I don't like it either"

I don't loath it
despise it
could kill it if I could
because of my situation.
There have been plenty of years where I have had
a significant other, be it a boyfriend or husband.
I still dreaded it.

It really never had been important to me.
Ever since I was a kid I found it pointless,
spending hours making cards for people
giving each other awful Pepto Bismol heart shaped candies
that scream "I LOVE YOU!" or "HUG ME!"
Don't get me wrong getting the chocolate was awesome.

Be mindful of people who are hurting at this time,
we all know you love your husbands, fiances or boyfriends,
but be thinking of those who don't have someone.

Show love to everyone
not just your lover.

A.A.

Tuesday nights.

Crawling across the floor
chasing bare little piggies.
Playing tiger mommy
and tiger baby with my little boy.
Growling at each other.

Nuzzling cheeks
hair tickling his nose

Giggling,
smiles

Ray Charles' medley drifting in and out
Those blue eyes gazing,
adoringly at me

These Tuesday nights
are what I live for.
I love being a mommy.

A.A.

Video games & thoughts.

The other day
as I sat with my back against the couch
legs draped over his lap.

Clicking away on the paddle
jump, run, run, jump, jump.
Leaned into me
he slept.

and as I played my video game
with, honestly, the love of my life
so close to me.

The thought occurred to me,
that I could do this.
The rest of my days
and die happy.

I was grateful
for all the

terrible
awful
painful 

moments that led me here,
to him.

Because my little boy
and him.
Were worth it
Every single second.

As if traveling on a path
struggling along
Unsure if I can do it
telling myself I can't.
Stepping on hard ground
shards of glass.

But then I got there,
I reached my destination.

The reward in the end
was the best reward of my life.
I have them.

And as the video game
beeped and booped in the background
I thought,
I could get used to this.

A.A.

I have missed you.

My blog,
my dear, dear blog.
I have not forgotten you.
For a while I forgot...
who I was.

Last night was honestly the night
that has needed to happen
for years.

After a difficult day
of frustration
stress
and grief
weary I climbed into bed... 

As I leaned across the
tangled sheets and strewn pillows.
To reach the lamp
shut off the light
and slip into cool sheets

The thought cracked the window
in my mind.
A cool breeze swept through my thoughts.

I was O.K. with going to bed

alone.

No longer did I have to share
the sheets with someone
or get elbowed in the head.
I could stretch out and feel comfortable
no longer having to worry
about disturbing someone.

Without me knowing
it happened.
I had suddenly become O.K.
with what happened to me.

The divorce and being

 alone.

It was a beautiful moment
a moment in which
I wish I could put on repeat.
And re-live it over and over.

I love my life
it is simply amazing.
And you know what?
I am HAPPY I am divorced.
It taught me somethings I have needed.

Confidence
Patience
Faith

Every day I will thank the Lord,
for the struggles.
They have shaped me.

A.A.