It's been a while...

I remember there was a time where daily I would turn to this blog
and like an open diary I would pour out my aching heart.
As time went on
I found that I needed this open diary less and less
The months dragged on and the wounds healed
I picked myself up
brushed myself off
collected the broken pieces that were left of my existence
and went about my merry way.

But then of course
there are moments in our lives
that drag us back down
beat us into submission
and leave use a shattered shell of what we once were
Those old comforts that helps ease the grief
are still there
with open arms
waiting for you to come back
and try so desperately to cope.

What I guess I am trying to say is...
Hello again and welcome back to my open diary.

A year of lessons learned

This time last year
I was sitting in front of the computer
printing off the paper work
for my divorce.

Eyes weary
hand over my mouth
trying not to cry.

Feeling like a failure
as a:

mother
friend
daughter
and
especially a wife.

It felt like in that moment
I was going to die
sink into the earth
and be eaten alive
with nothing left.

Those times were hard
I couldn't bare to bring myself
to look at other families
or make connections with people.

And though so many
reached out to me
which I am so eternally grateful for
I was literally a husk.

The months after that
were a roller coaster
of happiness, joy and laughter
to sorrow, tears and anger.

I used this blog as a crutch
an open diary for the world to read
to help me vent those woes
and as the year pressed on
I depended on my blog less and less.

Next thing I found myself
throwing a party for my 1 year old little man.
Getting engaged
Getting married
and starting school back up in full force.

I'm sitting here
a little dumbfounded.
This year has gone by so fast
and there have been so many lessons learned.

And here a few
some important
some not so important:

- It IS possible to survive a divorce, though it hurts you will not die.
- Do background checks on your roommates, 2 out of the 3 roommates I had were NUTS.
- Date thoroughly and get to know the person you are dating very well.
- Don't be afraid to ask for help, whether it be a friend, family or bishop.
- You can't pray ENOUGH
- Our Heavenly Father is watching out for us, very closely, and knows our sorrows and struggles.
- Pay your tithing, the Lord will provide a way.
- As gorgeous as dark hardwood is, don't install them. Up keep is awful!
- Walking babies are much harder to handle.
- Don't let the nasty things people say get to you, they are entitled to their opinion and you are too.
- Shoveling other peoples drive ways with out them knowing is very fulfilling.
- Say Thank you and I love you as much as you can and every chance you get.
- Don't be scared to admit you are wrong, we all make mistakes.
- Being a grown up is hard work.
- Enjoy the world around you more, if you have the time, do it, if you don't make the time.
- Count your blessings, when things are hard and you struggle it is better to look at what you HAVE instead of what you DON'T.
- Crying is O.K.
- Be comfortable with who you are and be comfortable in your own skin.
- Expand your horizons.
- Be creative.
- Try new things.
- Even though school is hard and frustrating, don't give up, it is worth it!
- Working out should be part of your routine, it works wonders for emotional well being as well physical.
- Give people a chance, you won't know until you try.
- Forgive, forgive, forgive.
- Listen.
- If you want something out of life, work for it!
- When you feel like you want to scream, laugh instead.
- Set goals and reach for the stars.
- Make friends and cherish them.
- Go out of your way to do nice things for people.
- Photography is important, photograph everything, children, places, life. Those things will soon vanish and you wont remember.
- Feeling emotion, even painful emotion, is human and who we are.
- Sing in the shower.
- Do nice things for yourself, you deserve it!
- Don't procrastinate.
- Cherish your children, they grow so fast.
- View the world around you as an amazing thing.
- HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN.

I could go on and on
but I feel that is a good note to end on.
I have learned so much from this past year.
Good and bad.
I am grateful for it
and am grateful that I accepted this challenge.
The Lord is truly aware of us
and knows what we can and can't handle.

Even though it has been a year
I am still forgiving
and trying to understand myself better.

Whatever your life is like
love it for what it is.
Enjoy it for what it is.

A.A.

Adoption

I have always fancied myself
a big dog person.

I love the feeling of the weight of their head
placed ever so lovingly in your lap.

The way their thick ears
are soft like crimson velvet.

And as you pet and run
your fingers over them
you are in a whole new world,
a world of ecstasy.

The way they insist on being lap dogs
and jump up on your lap
laying their body over your knees.

I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

My husband and I had discussed getting a dog
and we both agreed that adoption was the way to go.

So on Saturday we set aside time to go look at dogs.
When we arrived he caught our eye
and after debating between he and another dog
we adopted

Lincoln
"Link" for short

Ever since then
I have been astonished and impressed.

With this amazing dog
that is a gentle giant.

Who lets Ronan climb on him
with out a care.

Who sleeps, lounging,
on his favorite yellow couch.

Who is patient
Calm and caring.
Nuzzling you when you cry
with deep concern in his brown glossy eyes.

Although
at times

He can be stubborn
but we are lovingly working on that with him.

I am so happy
to finally have a big dog back in our family.

To complete our family.

Welcome home Link.

A.A.

Pears

As summer fades
and the heat of August sticks to our skin.

We sit outside

munching on pears and watching daddy work.
Enjoying the suns warmth that is quickly wasting away.

Enjoying our new life

our new companion.

And side by side we sit,
munching on those
not quiet ripe
sour pears.

Gazing at the kids
riding their bikes

As the hum and commotion
of our neighborhood hive
bustles with activity.

We happily admit that
our dreams came true. 

Life is simple
but oh so sweet.

a.a.

Becoming a Bass.

Tomorrow
Tomorrow
Tomorrow

I could not say that word enough.
At this very moment
it seems so unreal.

But it is,
it is real.

Tomorrow I get married

I get to marry:

my best friend
the love of my life
my confident
the better half of me

A person who never judged me
who looked at me for me
and accepted me even though I had flaws,
even though I made mistakes.

Who taught me to be patient
understanding
and dedicated.

Who taught me to love again
to trust again.

When I thought I could never
do those two things
ever again.

Who continues to teach me everyday,
I couldn't imagine marrying anyone else.

Who loves my son
and my son loves him.

I am so grateful our paths crossed

That the Lord sent him to me.

Not only that
but I get to gain an amazing family.
Who also brings so much:

Joy
Laughter
and
Love

into my life
they are all so amazing.

Tomorrow will be one of the best moments in my life.
Tomorrow I become a Bass.

A.A.

From divorcée to fiancée.

When you sit beside your husband
staring straight forward.
Eyes locked on anything but him
your lips quiver and that terrible word slips out.

In the phrase that so many
dread to hear.

"I want a divorce."

At that very moment
you cannot even fathom
what the future will be like.
If it will be fantastic
or terrible.

All you know is that
there is a burning ache
deep in the pit of our soul.

There was a time
where I thought I would
shrivel up and die.
Because of the sorrow
that ate away my hope.

There were days I thought
I could make it.
And days that I didn't
see a point to go on.

Then I met him.

And it was as if 
the blind fold
that covered my eyes
from what truly was happiness.
Was snipped away,
and I was left standing
blinking in the bright light
of a new view of what everything was.

It was then
I realized that happiness
was not part of my vocabulary
for the 2 years that I was married.

I was wandering through
my life, with smoke stinging my eyes.
That smoke was doubt.

Now,
I couldn't be more sure
than I ever have been
in my entire life.

There IS a light at the end
of the tunnel.
Though it seems dim when you
start your journey.
As you continue to walk
the light will grow into a beacon.

That will lead you to what
was in store for you all along.
When it seems bleak

please hold on.

Life is a wild roller coaster
that will both terrify you
and exhilarate you.

Going from, 

divorcée to fiancée.

Were both the best decisions
I ever made.

A.A.

One wonderful year.

I cannot believe that it has been a whole year
since I welcomed Ronan into the world.

Right now,
there are so many emotions
running through my heart and head.

Even though this year has been
the hardest year
of my life.

With Ronan by my side
it was completely doable.
The Lord really knew
what I needed
and it was Ronan.

I do not regret my decision to marry
my ex husband
because if I didn't...
I wouldn't have Ronan
and he was worth it.

Each and every day
instead of me teaching Ronan
he is teaching me.

Patience
Love
Compassion
Strength
Joy

The lessons I have learned from him
have shaped me more into the person
that I needed to be for him

Even now,
as I type this he stands next to me
a battery in his hand
laughing and trying to grab my keyboard.

I love him
and I love so much about him:

-I love how happy he is I have been so blessed to have such a good baby
-I love how talkative he is, he always has something to say
-I love how he insists on eating what I am eating
-I love the way he dances in his crib when I go to get him in the morning
-I love how he is such a good sleeper! Since he was little he has slept through the night.
-I love how adventurous he is
-I love that little toothy grin
-I love watching him learn and grow into a little man
-I love how tough he is, but at the same time when he gets a boo boo I love how he wants mommy
-I love how he goes to the sitter with out a fuss
-I love how he laughs hysterically when he is around a doggie
-I love how he splashes huge tidal waves in the tub
-I love the way he waves his hands around when he is eating something tasty

I have loved watching him grow up

All in all
I love Ronan.
Happy Birthday sweet heart.

Here I am.

It terrified me.
Thought of looking back through
all the mournful words that I posted since
that fateful month...

August

But I did it.
I read over each one
cradling the words that I read
in my arms
like a child

Words that were bursting
with emotion and hurt.
And as I read
I cried because I was so grateful
that I made it through that.

As I sat legs crossed
at my kitchen table
the sun peaking through the shades
on my back door.

I felt fully capable
and in control of the situation.
I had handled things the best I could
and I had made it this far on my own.

Feeling strong and in control
is a feeling I have grasped for desperately.
I do understand that I can't control all things
but I can control myself.

That is what really matters.

Happy Monday everyone.

A.A.

This time of year...

I dread
Every year for who knows how long...
Last night as I sat close to my parents counter
hunched over my moms laptop.
I blurted out
"I hate Valentines Day."
My mom simply responded "I know"
Looking up I raised my eyebrow
She saw my expression and said
"I don't like it either"

I don't loath it
despise it
could kill it if I could
because of my situation.
There have been plenty of years where I have had
a significant other, be it a boyfriend or husband.
I still dreaded it.

It really never had been important to me.
Ever since I was a kid I found it pointless,
spending hours making cards for people
giving each other awful Pepto Bismol heart shaped candies
that scream "I LOVE YOU!" or "HUG ME!"
Don't get me wrong getting the chocolate was awesome.

Be mindful of people who are hurting at this time,
we all know you love your husbands, fiances or boyfriends,
but be thinking of those who don't have someone.

Show love to everyone
not just your lover.

A.A.

Tuesday nights.

Crawling across the floor
chasing bare little piggies.
Playing tiger mommy
and tiger baby with my little boy.
Growling at each other.

Nuzzling cheeks
hair tickling his nose

Giggling,
smiles

Ray Charles' medley drifting in and out
Those blue eyes gazing,
adoringly at me

These Tuesday nights
are what I live for.
I love being a mommy.

A.A.

Video games & thoughts.

The other day
as I sat with my back against the couch
legs draped over his lap.

Clicking away on the paddle
jump, run, run, jump, jump.
Leaned into me
he slept.

and as I played my video game
with, honestly, the love of my life
so close to me.

The thought occurred to me,
that I could do this.
The rest of my days
and die happy.

I was grateful
for all the

terrible
awful
painful 

moments that led me here,
to him.

Because my little boy
and him.
Were worth it
Every single second.

As if traveling on a path
struggling along
Unsure if I can do it
telling myself I can't.
Stepping on hard ground
shards of glass.

But then I got there,
I reached my destination.

The reward in the end
was the best reward of my life.
I have them.

And as the video game
beeped and booped in the background
I thought,
I could get used to this.

A.A.

I have missed you.

My blog,
my dear, dear blog.
I have not forgotten you.
For a while I forgot...
who I was.

Last night was honestly the night
that has needed to happen
for years.

After a difficult day
of frustration
stress
and grief
weary I climbed into bed... 

As I leaned across the
tangled sheets and strewn pillows.
To reach the lamp
shut off the light
and slip into cool sheets

The thought cracked the window
in my mind.
A cool breeze swept through my thoughts.

I was O.K. with going to bed

alone.

No longer did I have to share
the sheets with someone
or get elbowed in the head.
I could stretch out and feel comfortable
no longer having to worry
about disturbing someone.

Without me knowing
it happened.
I had suddenly become O.K.
with what happened to me.

The divorce and being

 alone.

It was a beautiful moment
a moment in which
I wish I could put on repeat.
And re-live it over and over.

I love my life
it is simply amazing.
And you know what?
I am HAPPY I am divorced.
It taught me somethings I have needed.

Confidence
Patience
Faith

Every day I will thank the Lord,
for the struggles.
They have shaped me.

A.A.

 

Sometimes...

A simple sentence can speak volumes
here is mine:

I am tired of people making me sad.

A.A.

It's what I do.

The past few weeks,
I have been

craving
hungering
desperately

needing to create
something beautiful

My skin is crawling
and I am shifting inside myself
I need a creative release.

These winter months leave very little
for imagination and wonder.
What is left is to be expected.

For the past few weeks my services
as a photographer
have not been needed nor wanted.

A dry spell,
I suppose you could call it that.

Not creating something beautiful
is killing me.

Now sense no one is asking for me
asking of me
wondering about me

I am going to do something
I have never done before
because that is what I do
I try new things.

A song is what I will end with.
Since I have gotten my divorce
and am a single mother
this song has new meaning to me.

A.A.

The new year.

While many of you
rang the new year in
with kisses
and banging of pots and pans

My new year was rung in
with tears.

As I cried
forehead pressed against my steering wheel
car parked in the drive way.
Hesitant to go inside.

I could not decide
if the tears were happy
or if they were of gritted grief.

I could not decide
if I sobbed with relief
because
the hardest year of my life
was over.

I could not decide
if I sobbed with sorrow
because that year of my life
was wasted with bitter tears.

Wasted with unreal existence.

Maybe it was both.
Maybe 50/50.
Maybe 20/80.

Even as I am writing this
I am realizing how
those were tears of

joy


Although I test the waters
of a very new and
very different life.

Slipping my foot
into those unsure waters.
What I can reassure all of you
and myself is.
I did what was right.

I am excited for a new year.

Without lies
without bitter tears
wasted 'I love you's'
and deception.

A.A.

I did not know.

That it was

physically

possible

to be

this

unhappy.

A.A.

These mirrors do not show what is there.

When you marry someone 
you do not think  
that in 2 years you will divorce.

You do not think...

that they will hate you 

that you will be told
you ruin their fun.

that they will miss their sons
first Christmas
because they hate you so much
they refuse to talk to you.

We are just a bunch of children
having children
raising children to become
more children

and then the process starts all over.


When you marry someone
especially when you are LDS
you imagine forever.

You don't imagine...

Yourself left as a single mother
caught between
everyone's opinions on what you should do.  

Trying to find a man
who will love you
and your son
because the person
you married 
doesn't.

Asking yourself
"what could you do differently?"

And now I ask you all...

Shouldn't all beings
have hope for the future?
For a new life?

Shouldn't all possibilities
be endless?

A.A.

Tis' the season of firsts.

This post was something
I didn't want to write
a lot of my posts are posts
that I don't want to write.

But I push myself...
slipping my hand
down to my heart

and unlock the keys
that unlock the door
where the safe sits
spin the dial
inside sits a box
tightly closed

all those painful things
that slam around inside
that small, minuscule box

Come out in these posts.

The world around me
is lit with glowing color
blues, greens, reds.
All representation of the Holidays.

Tree's wear their finest
trimmed tenderly with
golds and silvers.
Presents stacked underneath.

Many people hustle around,
so focused on material things.
Filling stockings
and filling boxes.

Often I close my eyes
and wish that Santa were real.
So that I could write him a letter
and let him know what I want for Christmas.

I don't want a new car
or clothes
jewelry or electronics.

What I would ask for,
is an unbroken family.

A family with a mom and dad
that love each other
who love their son, together.

Never in a million years,
did I imagine my child's first Christmas
without a dad there
and just a mom, who has done all that she could.

Please cherish your husbands
please cherish your wives
your children
your whole family.

This will be my little boy's first Christmas.
and my first Christmas too...
With a whole new perspective on what is really important.

A.A.

Thought I would add a fantastic song as well...

Heart song.

I ran.
Feet thudding onto soft ground.
Air burning through my throat
filling my lungs.

chilled
clear
fresh

with every step
and the pace kept up

my heart sung
with every step

with every exhalation
my mind hummed

the tune of living
in complete and total bliss

Running from things was not
what I was doing.
more so running towards something.

Bigger and better things
things that I never thought in a million years
would happen to me.

The snow fell on my cheek
melting from my warmth
and with that
I ran.

 A.A.

They are real.

It slammed into my windows
scratching its nails along my siding
ramming its shoulders into my roof.

As if it were taking my home
tipping it, twisting it and shaking it
and I am tossed around inside

Like a toddler shaking a snow globe

He called me at 6:30 a.m.
making sure that Ronan and I
were ok.

Concern shifted in his voice
I could feel it
through the phone.

Darkness filled my home
He came over and brought candles

He had been up since 4 a.m.
running around caring for others
even in his exhaustion he cared about me.

Dashing in and out of my house
keeping fences from blowing down
and checking to see if siding flew off
observing shingles intact.

And after the storm
picking up twigs
shingles
cleaning out gutters

As a little girl I read about them
as a teenager I dreamed about him
and as a woman I didn't believe in him.

But in that moment
covered in mud
draped in a hoodie
and exhausted

was my
knight in shining armor.

A.A.