It's what I do.

The past few weeks,
I have been

craving
hungering
desperately

needing to create
something beautiful

My skin is crawling
and I am shifting inside myself
I need a creative release.

These winter months leave very little
for imagination and wonder.
What is left is to be expected.

For the past few weeks my services
as a photographer
have not been needed nor wanted.

A dry spell,
I suppose you could call it that.

Not creating something beautiful
is killing me.

Now sense no one is asking for me
asking of me
wondering about me

I am going to do something
I have never done before
because that is what I do
I try new things.

A song is what I will end with.
Since I have gotten my divorce
and am a single mother
this song has new meaning to me.

A.A.

The new year.

While many of you
rang the new year in
with kisses
and banging of pots and pans

My new year was rung in
with tears.

As I cried
forehead pressed against my steering wheel
car parked in the drive way.
Hesitant to go inside.

I could not decide
if the tears were happy
or if they were of gritted grief.

I could not decide
if I sobbed with relief
because
the hardest year of my life
was over.

I could not decide
if I sobbed with sorrow
because that year of my life
was wasted with bitter tears.

Wasted with unreal existence.

Maybe it was both.
Maybe 50/50.
Maybe 20/80.

Even as I am writing this
I am realizing how
those were tears of

joy


Although I test the waters
of a very new and
very different life.

Slipping my foot
into those unsure waters.
What I can reassure all of you
and myself is.
I did what was right.

I am excited for a new year.

Without lies
without bitter tears
wasted 'I love you's'
and deception.

A.A.

I did not know.

That it was

physically

possible

to be

this

unhappy.

A.A.

These mirrors do not show what is there.

When you marry someone 
you do not think  
that in 2 years you will divorce.

You do not think...

that they will hate you 

that you will be told
you ruin their fun.

that they will miss their sons
first Christmas
because they hate you so much
they refuse to talk to you.

We are just a bunch of children
having children
raising children to become
more children

and then the process starts all over.


When you marry someone
especially when you are LDS
you imagine forever.

You don't imagine...

Yourself left as a single mother
caught between
everyone's opinions on what you should do.  

Trying to find a man
who will love you
and your son
because the person
you married 
doesn't.

Asking yourself
"what could you do differently?"

And now I ask you all...

Shouldn't all beings
have hope for the future?
For a new life?

Shouldn't all possibilities
be endless?

A.A.

Tis' the season of firsts.

This post was something
I didn't want to write
a lot of my posts are posts
that I don't want to write.

But I push myself...
slipping my hand
down to my heart

and unlock the keys
that unlock the door
where the safe sits
spin the dial
inside sits a box
tightly closed

all those painful things
that slam around inside
that small, minuscule box

Come out in these posts.

The world around me
is lit with glowing color
blues, greens, reds.
All representation of the Holidays.

Tree's wear their finest
trimmed tenderly with
golds and silvers.
Presents stacked underneath.

Many people hustle around,
so focused on material things.
Filling stockings
and filling boxes.

Often I close my eyes
and wish that Santa were real.
So that I could write him a letter
and let him know what I want for Christmas.

I don't want a new car
or clothes
jewelry or electronics.

What I would ask for,
is an unbroken family.

A family with a mom and dad
that love each other
who love their son, together.

Never in a million years,
did I imagine my child's first Christmas
without a dad there
and just a mom, who has done all that she could.

Please cherish your husbands
please cherish your wives
your children
your whole family.

This will be my little boy's first Christmas.
and my first Christmas too...
With a whole new perspective on what is really important.

A.A.

Thought I would add a fantastic song as well...

Heart song.

I ran.
Feet thudding onto soft ground.
Air burning through my throat
filling my lungs.

chilled
clear
fresh

with every step
and the pace kept up

my heart sung
with every step

with every exhalation
my mind hummed

the tune of living
in complete and total bliss

Running from things was not
what I was doing.
more so running towards something.

Bigger and better things
things that I never thought in a million years
would happen to me.

The snow fell on my cheek
melting from my warmth
and with that
I ran.

 A.A.

They are real.

It slammed into my windows
scratching its nails along my siding
ramming its shoulders into my roof.

As if it were taking my home
tipping it, twisting it and shaking it
and I am tossed around inside

Like a toddler shaking a snow globe

He called me at 6:30 a.m.
making sure that Ronan and I
were ok.

Concern shifted in his voice
I could feel it
through the phone.

Darkness filled my home
He came over and brought candles

He had been up since 4 a.m.
running around caring for others
even in his exhaustion he cared about me.

Dashing in and out of my house
keeping fences from blowing down
and checking to see if siding flew off
observing shingles intact.

And after the storm
picking up twigs
shingles
cleaning out gutters

As a little girl I read about them
as a teenager I dreamed about him
and as a woman I didn't believe in him.

But in that moment
covered in mud
draped in a hoodie
and exhausted

was my
knight in shining armor.

A.A.