Here I am.

It terrified me.
Thought of looking back through
all the mournful words that I posted since
that fateful month...

August

But I did it.
I read over each one
cradling the words that I read
in my arms
like a child

Words that were bursting
with emotion and hurt.
And as I read
I cried because I was so grateful
that I made it through that.

As I sat legs crossed
at my kitchen table
the sun peaking through the shades
on my back door.

I felt fully capable
and in control of the situation.
I had handled things the best I could
and I had made it this far on my own.

Feeling strong and in control
is a feeling I have grasped for desperately.
I do understand that I can't control all things
but I can control myself.

That is what really matters.

Happy Monday everyone.

A.A.

This time of year...

I dread
Every year for who knows how long...
Last night as I sat close to my parents counter
hunched over my moms laptop.
I blurted out
"I hate Valentines Day."
My mom simply responded "I know"
Looking up I raised my eyebrow
She saw my expression and said
"I don't like it either"

I don't loath it
despise it
could kill it if I could
because of my situation.
There have been plenty of years where I have had
a significant other, be it a boyfriend or husband.
I still dreaded it.

It really never had been important to me.
Ever since I was a kid I found it pointless,
spending hours making cards for people
giving each other awful Pepto Bismol heart shaped candies
that scream "I LOVE YOU!" or "HUG ME!"
Don't get me wrong getting the chocolate was awesome.

Be mindful of people who are hurting at this time,
we all know you love your husbands, fiances or boyfriends,
but be thinking of those who don't have someone.

Show love to everyone
not just your lover.

A.A.

Tuesday nights.

Crawling across the floor
chasing bare little piggies.
Playing tiger mommy
and tiger baby with my little boy.
Growling at each other.

Nuzzling cheeks
hair tickling his nose

Giggling,
smiles

Ray Charles' medley drifting in and out
Those blue eyes gazing,
adoringly at me

These Tuesday nights
are what I live for.
I love being a mommy.

A.A.

Video games & thoughts.

The other day
as I sat with my back against the couch
legs draped over his lap.

Clicking away on the paddle
jump, run, run, jump, jump.
Leaned into me
he slept.

and as I played my video game
with, honestly, the love of my life
so close to me.

The thought occurred to me,
that I could do this.
The rest of my days
and die happy.

I was grateful
for all the

terrible
awful
painful 

moments that led me here,
to him.

Because my little boy
and him.
Were worth it
Every single second.

As if traveling on a path
struggling along
Unsure if I can do it
telling myself I can't.
Stepping on hard ground
shards of glass.

But then I got there,
I reached my destination.

The reward in the end
was the best reward of my life.
I have them.

And as the video game
beeped and booped in the background
I thought,
I could get used to this.

A.A.

I have missed you.

My blog,
my dear, dear blog.
I have not forgotten you.
For a while I forgot...
who I was.

Last night was honestly the night
that has needed to happen
for years.

After a difficult day
of frustration
stress
and grief
weary I climbed into bed... 

As I leaned across the
tangled sheets and strewn pillows.
To reach the lamp
shut off the light
and slip into cool sheets

The thought cracked the window
in my mind.
A cool breeze swept through my thoughts.

I was O.K. with going to bed

alone.

No longer did I have to share
the sheets with someone
or get elbowed in the head.
I could stretch out and feel comfortable
no longer having to worry
about disturbing someone.

Without me knowing
it happened.
I had suddenly become O.K.
with what happened to me.

The divorce and being

 alone.

It was a beautiful moment
a moment in which
I wish I could put on repeat.
And re-live it over and over.

I love my life
it is simply amazing.
And you know what?
I am HAPPY I am divorced.
It taught me somethings I have needed.

Confidence
Patience
Faith

Every day I will thank the Lord,
for the struggles.
They have shaped me.

A.A.

 

Sometimes...

A simple sentence can speak volumes
here is mine:

I am tired of people making me sad.

A.A.

It's what I do.

The past few weeks,
I have been

craving
hungering
desperately

needing to create
something beautiful

My skin is crawling
and I am shifting inside myself
I need a creative release.

These winter months leave very little
for imagination and wonder.
What is left is to be expected.

For the past few weeks my services
as a photographer
have not been needed nor wanted.

A dry spell,
I suppose you could call it that.

Not creating something beautiful
is killing me.

Now sense no one is asking for me
asking of me
wondering about me

I am going to do something
I have never done before
because that is what I do
I try new things.

A song is what I will end with.
Since I have gotten my divorce
and am a single mother
this song has new meaning to me.

A.A.