you + me.

This morning as Ronan and I
laid in bed

As he patted my face,
ran his tiny hands through my hair
and I caressed his cheek.

I realized

that all I needed was him
he completed me.

Even though I felt alone at times
he was there for me
with constant undying love.

Though it may be different
than a companions

I realized

that he was my boy.

A.A.

picking pumpkins

We picked pumpkins
We... I love that word.

I brought my camera
Tyler teased me.
and as I photographed
he unwillingly smiled
complaining the whole time
we laughed.

we.

Ronan was grumpy.
somber faced in all the pictures
I look back on the photos and laugh
such a silly little boy.

2 pumpkins
Tyler carried them
I carried Ronan
the sunset orange
the world was orange
and after that we left.

we.

 A.A.

moving on.

It has become official
I am in a relationship with someone
hesitantly I changed my relationship status...

sitting back I gazed at the computer
and thought of the freak out from people
that would soon be happening.

Moving on with my life.
that is exactly what I am doing

I have never been the girl
to sit and wallow in self pity
simply put, I pull up my boot straps
and begin taking the steps forward
to obtain happiness.

He has been my secret
for the past month
my close friends and family know of him
and have met him.

There will probably be some that are thrilled
some that are not.

I will take the
positive and
negative feed back
as it comes.

But what I truly can say is.
I. am. happy.

A.A.

what people want

Why does it feel
that I am never
what people want?

men
friends
family

For the longest time I used to think

I was quality
I was special
I was beautiful

and that whoever got me was the luckiest person

but current experiences with people
have made me feel differently

I work hard, I am motivated
he wanted a stay at home wife

I am fun and outgoing
he thinks I'm loud

What do people want?
Because it is obviously not me.

A.A.

getting hurt.

On Friday while photographing a wedding reception
I was walking down some very uneven stairs
took a step, my ankle bent a way it shouldn't

snap

Was the sound I heard.
Later my foot raised
a replacement photographer found
the tears started to flow.

How could this be happening?
No, not now, please not now.

How am I going to care for Ronan?
If I barely can walk?

How am I going to work?
I am the sole provider in my home
I CANT be laid up.

I have no one to help me.

I felt frantic,
scared
trapped
alone

My mind was racing the tears were flowing
trying so hard to remind myself that God had a plan
that he wouldn't do anything for no reason

Trying hard to keep good thoughts going through
my mind, and through my heart.

Went to the ER at Lakeview
 I tried to joke the whole way
When deep down inside I didn't know
how I was going to do this.

X rays.
Super nice Doctor
Funny Nurse
Painful Morphine shot
Ankle slowly swelling more
Caring neighbors who were there for me

Good news

I tore ligaments in my ankle
No broken bones
Even though I was still hurt
I counted my blessings

Went home, was taken care of
Thank you so much everyone
It means the world.

that word.

divorce

divorce

divorce

divorce

divorce

I stared down at the paper
they handed out at the
beginning of
class.

 DIVORCE

 was printed across it
 in the nicest font that they could find
 no matter what way
 it is said
 it is written

It was still divorce

he was sitting next me
Trying so hard to be civil

Frowns covered the faces
of the others in my class.
I gazed around and wondered
what their stories were
why they were here.
who did what.

DIVORCE

On positive note.
I got new shoes, so did Ronan.
Toms.

A.A.

time passes

It has nearly been 2 months. 
2 months since the truth has come out

again.

At first I thought I couldn't survive
the situation was crushing down
standing on my chest
keeping me from breathing.

I walked through a fog

distant
confused
helpless

I fell behind 
thank you for all the love and patience by the way

But with every day that passed
that is passing
the situation slowly steps down
off my chest
and stops crushing me

Toe by Toe

and I am realizing that even though
there is damage
and chaos all around

I am the same girl
I haven't changed
I still slip on my the same pair of shoes everyday
and slip my feet out at night

He can't define me
and I am so grateful for that.

I am grateful for the shoes
that carried me through this
though they are worn out

I'm worn out.

they carried me, every step
and time passes.

I think I will get a new pair.

A.A.

Wondering.

I have read over my posts
and wondered.

Why do people read my blog?

Do they read it because they like to think...
"I am so glad that isn't me"
To reassure themselves that their lives don't suck
as bad as mine?

That they have spouses they get to come home to?
Complete and whole families?
Sometimes I really wonder if that is the reason why.

A.A. 

Pretending.

When my hands were tiny
And my eyes only saw innocent things
I would

pretend.

The world was my storybook
and I, it's writer
I was the author of my own destiny

Everyday after school
I would shed my back pack and shoes
on the floor by the door

Barefoot and
alive
 
I would run into the backyard
where I could choose to be
whatever I wanted

A mountain climber
beautiful
a wild bear
the President

In my mind, if I could dream it
it would take form
from the mist
and be.
Whatever I wanted it to be

Pretend.

Now when I drive home
my sleeping son in the back seat
a ring finger missing a ring.
 
I
pretend.
 
That I come home and someone is there
to kiss my cheek and run their fingers through my hair

He wouldn't care if I wasn't wearing makeup
He wouldn't care if my hair was short or long or anything
He would only inhale my skin
and admire me for what I am.
 
But when I walk through the door
baby in one arm, diaper bag over my shoulder
place the keys on the counter

The house is dark.
I switch the lights on.
I could only hope...

 

 A.A.


 

When it goes bad.

It goes really bad.
I have noticed that whenever I loose something
It gets lost all at once

Weary, I am so weary.

I am tired of fighting
I am tired of being ignored.
By everyone.
Everything.

I am tired of going through this

Over
and
Over

I am tired of trusting
and getting screwed over
It is becoming a relentless process
and I am sick and tired of it.

I can't deal with the stress anymore.
I put on a good show
Put you can only perform for so long.

Before the curtain drops down
and you are alone.
In the dark.

A.A.

foreign words.

Over the past week
I have learned

words

that were so foreign to me.
Because for the past almost 3 years
Those words have not been apart of my

life
or
vocabulary.

As I start to feel the color of these words again
It saddens me that I didn't feel those with

him.

I realize more and more
what I am missing
I am loving these words again
loving their meaning and sensation

Thank you for putting those words

back in my life.

A.A.

bidding farewell.

Today Ronan and I sat outside
feet tangled in the grass
watching the sun sink
warming the sky with its farewells
and adieus

As the bugs danced on the breeze
I realized how I would never change this moment
Yes, it may just be us

Two

But I love us

Two

 too.

As we bid farewell to summer
welcoming fall in our embrace
I am realizing how wonderful everything is

Ronan is sitting on his own
Such a big boy

I am meeting new people
having new experiences
and growing myself into the person
I always needed to be.

and as I bid farewell to summer
I welcome a new life.

A.A.

peeking.

As I walk
and there I spy

you

Peeking through the green
You shyly tease us with your vibrancy

Crisp
Warm
Alive

Come to me now
Wrap me with your chill 
Bring with you the smells and feelings

That come with

Fall
 
A.A.