Video games & thoughts.

The other day
as I sat with my back against the couch
legs draped over his lap.

Clicking away on the paddle
jump, run, run, jump, jump.
Leaned into me
he slept.

and as I played my video game
with, honestly, the love of my life
so close to me.

The thought occurred to me,
that I could do this.
The rest of my days
and die happy.

I was grateful
for all the

terrible
awful
painful 

moments that led me here,
to him.

Because my little boy
and him.
Were worth it
Every single second.

As if traveling on a path
struggling along
Unsure if I can do it
telling myself I can't.
Stepping on hard ground
shards of glass.

But then I got there,
I reached my destination.

The reward in the end
was the best reward of my life.
I have them.

And as the video game
beeped and booped in the background
I thought,
I could get used to this.

A.A.

I have missed you.

My blog,
my dear, dear blog.
I have not forgotten you.
For a while I forgot...
who I was.

Last night was honestly the night
that has needed to happen
for years.

After a difficult day
of frustration
stress
and grief
weary I climbed into bed... 

As I leaned across the
tangled sheets and strewn pillows.
To reach the lamp
shut off the light
and slip into cool sheets

The thought cracked the window
in my mind.
A cool breeze swept through my thoughts.

I was O.K. with going to bed

alone.

No longer did I have to share
the sheets with someone
or get elbowed in the head.
I could stretch out and feel comfortable
no longer having to worry
about disturbing someone.

Without me knowing
it happened.
I had suddenly become O.K.
with what happened to me.

The divorce and being

 alone.

It was a beautiful moment
a moment in which
I wish I could put on repeat.
And re-live it over and over.

I love my life
it is simply amazing.
And you know what?
I am HAPPY I am divorced.
It taught me somethings I have needed.

Confidence
Patience
Faith

Every day I will thank the Lord,
for the struggles.
They have shaped me.

A.A.

 

Sometimes...

A simple sentence can speak volumes
here is mine:

I am tired of people making me sad.

A.A.

It's what I do.

The past few weeks,
I have been

craving
hungering
desperately

needing to create
something beautiful

My skin is crawling
and I am shifting inside myself
I need a creative release.

These winter months leave very little
for imagination and wonder.
What is left is to be expected.

For the past few weeks my services
as a photographer
have not been needed nor wanted.

A dry spell,
I suppose you could call it that.

Not creating something beautiful
is killing me.

Now sense no one is asking for me
asking of me
wondering about me

I am going to do something
I have never done before
because that is what I do
I try new things.

A song is what I will end with.
Since I have gotten my divorce
and am a single mother
this song has new meaning to me.

A.A.

The new year.

While many of you
rang the new year in
with kisses
and banging of pots and pans

My new year was rung in
with tears.

As I cried
forehead pressed against my steering wheel
car parked in the drive way.
Hesitant to go inside.

I could not decide
if the tears were happy
or if they were of gritted grief.

I could not decide
if I sobbed with relief
because
the hardest year of my life
was over.

I could not decide
if I sobbed with sorrow
because that year of my life
was wasted with bitter tears.

Wasted with unreal existence.

Maybe it was both.
Maybe 50/50.
Maybe 20/80.

Even as I am writing this
I am realizing how
those were tears of

joy


Although I test the waters
of a very new and
very different life.

Slipping my foot
into those unsure waters.
What I can reassure all of you
and myself is.
I did what was right.

I am excited for a new year.

Without lies
without bitter tears
wasted 'I love you's'
and deception.

A.A.