The new year.

While many of you
rang the new year in
with kisses
and banging of pots and pans

My new year was rung in
with tears.

As I cried
forehead pressed against my steering wheel
car parked in the drive way.
Hesitant to go inside.

I could not decide
if the tears were happy
or if they were of gritted grief.

I could not decide
if I sobbed with relief
because
the hardest year of my life
was over.

I could not decide
if I sobbed with sorrow
because that year of my life
was wasted with bitter tears.

Wasted with unreal existence.

Maybe it was both.
Maybe 50/50.
Maybe 20/80.

Even as I am writing this
I am realizing how
those were tears of

joy


Although I test the waters
of a very new and
very different life.

Slipping my foot
into those unsure waters.
What I can reassure all of you
and myself is.
I did what was right.

I am excited for a new year.

Without lies
without bitter tears
wasted 'I love you's'
and deception.

A.A.