Official.

I sat awkward on the couch
as the girl on the other end of the phone
clickity clacked on her keyboard.

My mind was racing
as I wondered if I had done everything right.

After what seemed to be an eternity
I heard her respond to my question,
the whole reason that I called in the first place.

My divorce was:

final

offical

printed out on paper

recognized by society

accepted by all.

I thanked her and hung up the phone.
Sitting back from my hunched over position.
I couldn't think straight, I couldn't wrap my head out it.

3 months ago I was married.
I was celebrating our 2 years
trying so hard to keep the breaking peices together.
For everyone's sanity.

But I realize now
that there was no sanity in that relationship.

And as I sail away on a boat of

safety and security

leaving him standing on the shore
still causing chaos
breaking everything he touches
ruining the world with each step.
Finding new victims to dig his claws into

Air escapes my lungs and I can feel.
I can smile
Color flushes back into my cheeks.

In that little boat of

safety and security

I finally have no title
not wife
not married
but divorced
and even then I don't let that sink in.

It will possibly takes days or months.
But I finally realize

I am free.
I am divorced

A.A.

A dry spell

Writers block.
that word is poison to me.
and has been the past few days.

The last week has been spent
struggling to get out of bed
maybe its the weather
maybe its me

But what I do know
is that right now
in this short moment

I am ok.

All of you needed to know that
I think.
at least.
yea.

A.A.

model me a woman

Let us pretend for a moment.
Let us pose for a second.

That she is a woman of

insecurity

and though she faces the world
shoulders back
head held high

in the depths of her home
does she crumble
sink into herself
and bury the

insecurity

Her words are beautiful
they bring others to tears
little do they know
that as she writes
with every word
she leaves a piece of herself
in vowels and nouns

Tears come as she
peels back the aching layers
of her

insecure soul.

She is a loner
yet a social butterfly
that craves the vocal echos of others.

Why?
is she the only one
that has wept over this loss?
while he walks away from the burning destruction
no sweat on his brow.

She is a woman of responsibility
often called needy, clingy and annoying.

She is a woman of love
often called wreck-less, insane and immature.

She is a woman of motivation
often called incompetent, a liar, and ugly.

But what she really is,
is insecure.

A.A. 

why I do it.

Why do I blog?
Why do I write?

This blog is here
because it is my vice
it is my window to infinite possibilities

When I write I discover 

the beauties 

that move and dance inside my brain 

and when I write
the burden that is carried on my

mind
shoulders
and heart

is lifted and I become free.
Free to live my life
Free to smile and to breath

After a post is written

created

I often lean back and smile
because I have spun something

something that is important to me.

Something that is raw, uncut and real.

As real as I am.

I am happy.
The things I have in my life
I am so grateful for.

I dance
I laugh
I smile
I sing

No one can take my zest for life away from me.

I am moving on
I am living
and I am loving.

And I want all my beloved friends to know
that though my posts can often be sad.

I am so happy
so unbelievably happy.

Because...

I am
a mother
a friend
a lover
a creator
a writer
I am

Alicia Arlene.

define me.

I never liked when it snowed
especially when the leaves were green
and the snow comes
making the trees break and bend
with the weight of its white existence

And with the snow comes

emotion

unexplained, sudden and harsh

Ronan sat on the couch
across from me
I perched myself on the ottoman
as I rubbed his little feet
he moved his foot and curled his toes
to the touch of my hand

and as I did this
memories came back
memories that I have tried
to suppress or dissect

dressing him as a newborn
putting on socks

what a small insignificant memory

and as death cab chimed in the background

Transatlanticism

the tears rolled down my cheeks

A.A.

sudden sweetness.

mesmerizing
is the word I choose
when all is said and done
and I realize

I was never in love with him

we just worked together
in

awkward
wrong
forced

companionship

and I thought that was love.

Love has come so far
and is so foreign to me

From being small
and being in love
with that boy in pre school

To my first kiss
the love of friendship

To my first true love
whose presence is with me
all my days

To the person I married
foolishly thinking
"I can learn"

To a person
who I am actually
falling for.

As we grow in life
so does our love

shifting
moving
molding

We slowly become the people
that we were meant to be.

A.A.

coming home.

Today I came home
walked through my door
Ronan on my hip
a pack of stolen Diet Coke
from my parents house
gripped in my free hand.

I gazed around my home
Halloween decor still up
a sigh escaped me
I was now 2 days late of
undecorating...

what a bummer.

Ronan was then placed
down on the floor
watching Blues Clues
as he squeed when Steve talked to him

I
undecorated

and as the holiday decor came down
the depression hit
the magic of a holiday ending
has always been sad for me

Pulling things out of the basement
hefting them back up the stairs
placing these items
back in their homes


Looking around the basement
I noticed there were
a few pieces of furniture
sad and discarded.

why couldn't THEY have a home?

My whole life
I have always had a nasty habit
of getting bored
moving things around
and spicing them up

Dragging things up the stairs
this in the living room
that moved to the bed room
I felt life break back into my soul

This is my home.
A.A.