hide behind

My

Friend
Campanion
Confident
Healer

My camera.

I love how I can hide behind you
When the grief is to much to bear
or when the joy over flows 
and happy tears are shed

Thank you for hiding my face
From everyone
at this painful time
Thank you for giving me

Life
Love
Passion

again..

You reach your into my mind
and bring to the surface
What I envision
Bring it to life
and bring others joy.

A.A.

ocean girl.

The Ocean
I am the Ocean
Coming and going

Grazing the shores of life
Running my fingers through
the sand
and toes
of by standers 

Combing the rocks
crashing into chaos

I am learning that I am the Ocean
I come and go through peoples lives
Gently brushing them with my presence

Never constant
I think people like it that way
But I know I don't.

I
am
the
Ocean

A.A.

a shout out.

to him.

Thanks for ruining my life.

A.A.

you're ok, I'm ok.

For the past few weeks
I have learned what brings me joy
Making my clients, family and friends happy
Makes me un explainably happy

I love making my clients

laugh 
smile
love 

Because when I do
I start to


laugh
smile
love

I learn to have mercy on the world
Mercy on myself
Mercy on my emotions

I am only human
you know that.

A.A.

breath.

After I finished my last blog post
I sat back my head against the couch
satisfied with what I had written

Cryptic code of how I was feeling
hidden between layers
of words and punctuation.

The dull buzz of my family talking in the background
Speaking of the Holidays
Whose house for this Holiday.
Whose house for that Holiday.

Even though I pretend
Even though I try to block it out
It still gets through
The sore wounds of my existence

I stand and leave the room.
Head to the bathroom.
There I close the door
Curl my knees to my chest
and place my forehead against the floor.
and

Breath.

With every breath
The tears that build deep inside me
subside

With every breath
I try to regain my silent composure

With every breath
Bring myself back to the surface
and keep myself from sinking deeper into this.

Now a days.
Instead of cry.
I breath.

A.A.

{}

Since everything has been signed
the urge to write has diminished.
Sometimes I want to write
I have the idea
I sit down in front of the computer
A clean screen in front of me.
The cursor blinking waiting...

waiting...
waiting...
waiting...

waiting for me to fill it with words
phrases and life lessons

But I withdraw from my desk
it all hurts too much.

A.A.

A new day

I am forcing myself to write this blog post.

I woke up yesterday morning to my alarm blaring, Ronan was asleep beside me. 

I didn't want to get up

I didn't want to move. 

40 minuets until I saw him

40 minuets until we sat down and signed everything

40 minuets until it was all too real

This was for the best...

Dragging myself out of bed Ronan had woken and was smiling at me.

I smiled back.

But couldn't understand why... in a million years...why he would want to leave him or me.

Why the lying was so much more important than his eternal family

As I got ready,

With every brush of my hair

Every article of clothing

I buried the sadness deep down inside myself

And put on my confident face

Packed up Ronan and headed out the door 

This was for the best...

There I arrived, familiar faces around me.

I was so grateful for my dad and letting me do this at his work

with his Notary.

I smiled, joked and laughed.

He called me.

He was there and needed to know where to go

I sweetly directed him to the door, they buzzed him in.

There he was.

Tall, dark and handsome.

Those blue eyes gleaming at me.

I stifled the screams inside of me

Smiled at him and acted as if nothing was wrong. 

This was for the best...

We went in the room.

and signed the papers.

He signed twice

I signed what felt like a million times

Equality was never there. 

Page after page of splitting this and that.

I made friendly chat with the Notary

Trying to hide my anguish from her 

from him.

This was for the best...

We finished.

He and I sat and talked, his eyes are deep and sad.

His jaw set in a firm sadness.

I begged him to get help.

He tried to argue with me.

I stepped back and told him I wouldn't do that.

Knock on the door.. there was my dad with my darling son.

Our darling son. 

The happy face went back on and we continued about the day

 Printing copies for him and for I.

For the rest of our lives 

For Ronan's life

Things would be split.

This was for the best...

Why did it feel that it wasn't for the best?

I felt angry, hurt and fake.

I was keeping a strong face and composure

I felt betrayed and not good enough

Why couldn't I get him to stop?

Why couldn't I get him to stay?

Why was I never enough?

Went to the gym that night.

Thank goodness for the gym.

A.A.

Wiping away

Today I printed out the paper work.
The paper work to end

my marriage
our marriage

With every page I printed out
and laid face down on the counter

I wiped away him
the memories
the past

and with every paper we sign

Alicia Smith

him

Alicia Smith

him

Alicia Smith

I will continue to journey
to be free
to be fee of him.

I am just a pair of shoes
on a wire
hanging,with my own weight pulling me down
and holding me there

Soon when these papers are away from me
and in the hands of someone who decides

my laces will turn into wings
I will beat those wings hard
and fly
fly far away
from him.

A.A.

Bring on the joy

I love my job.
And even though my heart aches because of what is happening to me
that doesn't stop me from feeling so much joy
for my clients and the happy people around me.

I photographed a wedding today
and not for one second did I think
"poor me"
because I was too wrapped up in the

joy
love
ecstasy

That my couple was feeling
And I love that
Even though I don't have it
I still love it
I love the fact that others have it

I love love
and eventually someday
I know I will get it

Maybe not now
or tomorrow
or even in this life
but someday
I will.

LOVE.

A.A.

Feeling good

Today I am not going to write this post in poem style. Because I feel that there is a lot to be said and if I typed it poem style it would have been a hundred pages long. So here it goes. 

The gym.

If there is ANY person out there debating on whether or not they should get a gym pass or do any form of working out, I can honestly say do it! For the past few weeks since he left I made the commitment that I would slowly shape myself into the person that I want to be. 

I committed to a personal trainer at the awesome Four Pillars Gym.

I beg every person skinny, tall, curvy...anything; to commit to working out, I promise you that you will be SO much happier as a member of society. You will start loving yourself in ways you never knew possible, not just physically but emotionally too. 

Working out contributes to your emotional wellness as well as physical.

Even though it was hard at first to find time as a mommy, photographer and friend to go to the gym I made a commitment to find a small piece of my day to go. When I can't go I literally feel panicked because I need my gym fix to help me get through my day. 

Please make time!

People always observe that I am so strong, and I feel part of that is thanks to working out and just letting my self go at the gym. Letting loose all my emotions as I run or lift weights, as I feel that physical pain while I push myself all the emotional pain leaves me. 

You will feel like a SHE-RA or HE-MAN!

I find it so much easier to work out when I have set goals for myself, goals that I cannot achieve unless I am working out. I desperately want to run in the "Dirty Girl Run" not walk...RUN. My whole life I have hated running with a fiery burning passion and I hope that by working out I will be physically able to run.

So in closing I beg all my friends, family, loved ones to get a gym pass and become the healthy, strong and independent person that you all long to be! I know you can do it! :)

Thank you Aunt Liz, Tisha, Merissa and Allison.

For telling me about how wonderful Four Pillars is.

Thank you Bryce for holding me accountable to my work outs.

Thank you Reed for making me realize how much healthier I could be

And thank you John, for training me and pushing me to places I didn't know I could go.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

A.A.

From bad to worse

So life moves on.

Moves on with out...

him

Sometimes I sit and wonder

if he realizes how much he is missing.

Life keeps rolling wether we like it or not 

Ronan is growing up 

Growing up with out

him

Ronan is eating solids 

Moving up to size 3 diapers 

Realizing the world around him

Giving kisses 

Doing funny things 

And he is missing all that 

Does he care?

Doesn't seem so. 

This little boy will grow up 

and will start realizing what is happening 

It isn't fair... 

Not to him

Not to anyone in this situation 

Yesterday was a bad day

Today was worse 

Last night I started cleaning out the storage

and you will never guess what I found?

Bits and 

pieces of him 

strung through out my home 

I got a box and started putting it all in there 

Little things of his and with every little item 

I mourned.

I mourned the loss of my marriage 

my best friend 

my sons father 

Today I woke up feeling the same way 

On the way to work 

I got a flat tire 

As I look back on it now

I am so blessed by the kindness of strangers 

A man asked if I needed help

he was able to give me a ride to my parents

where I borrowed a car 

and was on time to work 

After my dad too time off work 

and helped me with my car issue 

Even though today has been terrible 

I am learning 

Learning to be thankful for the little things 

Even when things suck so bad

Thank you.

For helping me learn.

A.A. 

Take It All

All of my posts, I have noticed, have different emotions

Happy
Sad
Confident
This post...

Is angry...

I am so unbelievably angry right now
Words are swirling around in my head
I try to spit them out but they get stuck...
like paper to honey.
On my lips.

There is so much hate and hurt
It is as large as an ocean
An ocean I am drowning in.

I am tossing with the waves and choking
Drowning in all of this

I sit in front of my computer and edit pictures
of people
happy
in love
complete

and what do I have?
An empty house
With out anyone who cares to have me for company

and who wants my company?

Only the dust
Only the darkness

Stupidity
Stupid for ever thinking things would work out
That life would roll on
I sit here and watch him roll away and on with his life

so quickly

like it didn't happen

like I never happened

like our son never happened


But here I am...
dwelling on this and that every other day of my life.
I have always been stuck in a web
MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE.

Let me be free world!
PLEASE?!

There are so many more things
I just cant bring myself to say them

Right now.

I am angry..

Learning to love

I am trying to relearn how to love myself again.
I am really not a vain person..
Never have been.
Never will be.
But even though I am not vain.
There is this tendency I have where I dont like anything about myself, at all.

With this whole divorce I am taking time to learn
to love myself
But I know that when I love myself completely
Then I will be the happiest I have been in my whole life

I stand in front of the mirror
And pick myself apart
But today I stood in front of that same mirror
And picked what was GOOD about myself

Here is what I saw:

A person
With emotions
With sanity

And I looked at her and I said what I loved about her.
I am not going to say because I feel that is very vain.
But I looked and I loved.
I loved her.
I love me.