Thursday, September 22, 2011

A new day

I am forcing myself to write this blog post.

I woke up yesterday morning to my alarm blaring, Ronan was asleep beside me. 
I didn't want to get up
I didn't want to move. 
40 minuets until I saw him
40 minuets until we sat down and signed everything
40 minuets until it was all too real

This was for the best...

Dragging myself out of bed Ronan had woken and was smiling at me.
I smiled back.
But couldn't understand why... in a million years...why he would want to leave him or me.
Why the lying was so much more important than his eternal family
As I got ready,
With every brush of my hair
Every article of clothing
I buried the sadness deep down inside myself
And put on my confident face
Packed up Ronan and headed out the door 

This was for the best...

There I arrived, familiar faces around me.
I was so grateful for my dad and letting me do this at his work
with his Notary.
I smiled, joked and laughed.
He called me.
He was there and needed to know where to go
I sweetly directed him to the door, they buzzed him in.
There he was.

Tall, dark and handsome.
Those blue eyes gleaming at me.

I stifled the screams inside of me
Smiled at him and acted as if nothing was wrong. 

This was for the best...

We went in the room.
and signed the papers.

He signed twice

I signed what felt like a million times
Equality was never there. 
Page after page of splitting this and that.
I made friendly chat with the Notary
Trying to hide my anguish from her 
from him.

This was for the best...

We finished.
He and I sat and talked, his eyes are deep and sad.
His jaw set in a firm sadness.
I begged him to get help.
He tried to argue with me.
I stepped back and told him I wouldn't do that.
Knock on the door.. there was my dad with my darling son.
Our darling son. 
The happy face went back on and we continued about the day
 Printing copies for him and for I.
For the rest of our lives 
For Ronan's life
Things would be split.

This was for the best...

Why did it feel that it wasn't for the best?
I felt angry, hurt and fake.
I was keeping a strong face and composure
I felt betrayed and not good enough
Why couldn't I get him to stop?
Why couldn't I get him to stay?
Why was I never enough?

Went to the gym that night.

Thank goodness for the gym.


1 comment:

  1. Well written, Alicia.
    Divorce never feels right...even when horrible unkindness, pain, and misery were in the marriage. It is unnatural. But, you cannot (as you know) control what another person does, and some things are so deeply woven into a person that they can't see what they are giving up. I love you, sweetie!! Hope you got everything!
    Aunt Shirley